Dreams and memories

Dry Stone Walls

Dry stone walls lie crumbling;

At the year's end,

Each stone marks one long month passed.

Here, you stumbled on a frozen ground

And stretched a hand for steadying;

Here, I held you till we brought the night

To weld the hollow chinks as one.

There, you leapt in yielding chase

Across the moorland to my hot pursuit.

And there, we lay in breathless wonder –

Shadowed by these stones from prying spring.

That rock, heavy with a rimey moss,

Gave itself to cushion your frail face

Through all of summer;

These were pulled by argument,

Ripped from their ancient bed

To spoil an autumn hill-scape.

Weakened, gaunt, exposed, grey winter's blast

Loosened to prise free these last

Until a sheltering sheep might lean them down.

Now, with the year's death, falls my love.

In badly weeded borders, bare with neglect,

written at Haworth, 1 Jan 1989 JHM

For some weeks I have had bad diarrhoea, going up to five times through the night, and of a type I am reluctant to describe in a homely blog. After some attempts to see my GP, I phoned the oncology nursing team at Addenbrooke's. They got me back onto the Oncology Day Assessment unit next morning, and the doctors arranged a follow-up scan. 

Then on Monday afternoon (who said the NHS shut down for a funeral bank holiday), they phoned back with an appointment to see the consultant on Wednesday pm. Such a rapidly arranged appointment will alway trigger apprehension, in this case warranted. The whole team pushed passed Ann into the tiny room: registrar, nurse and the consultant, who was clear and direct. The melanoma has spread with more secondary nodules in the lungs, and a large new growth in the liver. She bluntly confessed nothing more could be done, but they would arrange to liaise with the unit at St Nicholas Hospice for any additional support. They would also write to the GP requesting an appointment with the community dietician to try to reverse my weight loss. Also she will start large doses of steroids to dampen down the diarrhoea, assuming it to be bowel inflammation as a late consequence of the immunotherapy I had had, even though this stopped in April. Ann insisted on some sort of prognosis, which we have not been given, and the nurse suggested it might be twelve months, so I'd better make the most of each day. Ann suggested we might hire a boat, since we got rid of ours. That cheered me enormously, and I dreamt that night of visiting various boatyards to see what we could get. It was more exciting than a sexual dream (which I don't have anymore), for though Ann probably has ambitions to cruise down a river, my dream took me out to sea and to some of the ports we used to visit.

Thank you Kaz and Ben!!

Yesterday I am feeling stronger again, perhaps braced by a good dream, and I was able to take Ann to her hairdressers and walk the dogs, then take a light lunch in the Swan garden in the in the last of the autumnal warmth. Later Edwin took us over to Bury for a takeaway, followed by a lively game of "Go Fish". Today I had to go back to Bury to help Edwin sort out a problem with his new phone, then tonight, on grandson Luke's birthday, Kaz and Ben sent a most wonderful and moving gift of a champagne to celebrate our days together. Thank you both so much for sending such a joyful message into our lives. We particularly remember Luke's birth twenty years ago, as we were on holiday in our caravan in Wales that night when the biggest earthquake for many years struck Gwent, tilting the caravan and causing Edwin to fall our of his bed! Happy birthday Luke!

Sunflowers

Sunflowers

In badly weeded borders, bare with neglect,

we scattered seeds to brighten dismal autumn’s darkening day.

Birds flocked down, bright squawking, cheerful creatures,

glad to feast on the diet we had strewn.

That autumn, not a single flower showed ‘bove bare earth. 

But —high behind the fence, bright against a low sun — 

stands a burst of sunflowers: strong, brilliant, capped in gold, 

proclaiming our lives in gardens new.

Within the house, we live our ebbing lives,

once with hopeful promise sown: ending now.

Birds of time have winged away our dreams

and flowers of youth decayed to graveyard slime

midst borders choked with growth we did not seek.

Yet o’er the fence, the fresher voices cry: 

cheering sounds of song and happy dream,

carried on soft breezes, bringing joy 

from children delighting in flowers they did not plant.

JHM

For some weeks I have had bad diarrhoea, going up to five times through the night, and of a type I am reluctant to describe on white pages. Last week I managed to speak with a nurse who advised getting a stool sample to test, but this came back clear of nasty infection that might be treatable such as dysentery of typhoid. I tried to phone again this week, but could not speak even to a nurse, and they had no appointment slots, so I phoned the oncology nurses at Addenbrookes, who were magnificent. The consultant phoned back to discuss the case, and arranged for me to go onto the oncology day assessment unit in the morning. Yesterday therefore, I spent the day at Addenbrookes where they arranged an urgent scan, as it was overdue anyway. The young registrar came back to see me at about half-past-seven, to explain they had found some larger nodes on my lungs, and a new growing cyst within the liver, almost certainly a recurrence of the malignant melanoma. She advised me to continue with loperamide (Lomotil) to control the diarrhoea, and I finally got home at eight pm. However, she did add that the team will discuss my management next week, but whether they can offer palliative surgery or chemotherapy at this stage I do not know.

Sorrows come not as single spies but in battalions. Matthew remains very low with poorly controlled diabetes, and now poor Rosie has been taken into hospital. She had had pain in the side for some time, which grew worse at the beginning of the week. She was found to have a ureteric stenosis (severe narrowing of the tube from the kidney to the bladder) due to severe inflammation in the duct. She has had to have a nephrostomy tube inserted to drain the kidney to an external bag until the inflammation eases. She remains in hospital today, in great pain and worrying about keeping two small and active children from climbing on her and dislodging the bag. 

Ann's Sunflowers!

Ann loves her garden so this spring she sowed a mass of sunflower seeds in the beds round the edge. Finally they have come up, some eight feet tall and facing the sun in brilliant splendour. The only problem is, they're all next door! It looks as though the birds, so used to feasting in our garden, assumed the tasty seeds were for them, and ate the lot. They must have flown to the fence and dropped some there - there is a full display all along the neighbour's fence, but we do not have a single sunflower in our garden.

Addenbrooke's Honours EIIR 

Visiting The North

 We went North on Friday to see some of the children and grandchildren who still live there. Ann chose to stay with the dogs, being too tired to travel far, and I did not feel up to the arduous A1, but was kindly chauffeured by Edwin and Andre. They were both working till the afternoon, so it was late when we arrived, just after eight, but early enough for a meal in the bar. We stayed at Guisborough Hall Hotel, a beautiful, spotless and well restored country house. Next day we saw all the children. The boys went to Northallerton in the morning, Edwin having promised Andre a visit to Betty's. I, too tired to stir, stayed quietly in the hotel until their return. 

Matthew welcomes us to their new home

Arwen centre stage

First port of call was to the Nicola's, where Rosie and Matthew are well ensconced with the two new additions. Arwen is a little beauty, and Nye is a bright and active addition to their family. Poor Matthew remains ill with severe brittle diabetes, poorly controlled by diet or medication. He continues to be off work, with no sickness benefit despite having worked for the company for over eleven years. Mateo had been brought by his father, Marco, to be joined later by Lucy and his sister Lucia. We were also joined by her youngest, Theo. Nicola made us all welcome then we all moved on to Mike and Ryan's house in Thornaby. I have been lucky with my ex-wife. Many ex's continue a state of hostility, but Nicola never stopped the children from seeing me, even at the height of our divorce, and never used them in the battle ground. She is now welcoming and friendly, with a warm civility between us, even sending cards and prayers in a way that is both caring and touching.

Uncle Edwin with children

Mike and Ryan have the most beautiful house, each room spotlessly clean and tastefully decorated by Ryan who is a true artist. The living room was in Bauhaus style, with large, framed posters and colour-matched wall panels. Arwen continued her lively streak as an active, normal, mischievous two-year old, throwing Mike's crisps across the floor, but he has great patience, bringing in a dustpan and brush with a forgiving smile. We ordered a takeaway from a place in Middlesbrough that had a wide menu and Andre was persuaded to try a Parmo, the Teesside equivalent of a deep-fried Mars bar in Glasgow. He absolutely loved it, and Middlesbrough went up two notches in his estimation. I have lost my appetite recently, so didn't order anything, but Ryan shared a small slice of his pizza which was fully sufficient.

In Remembrance of Michelle

Next day Ann's sister, Jane, came over to the hotel to see us with her family. We last saw her two grandchildren many years ago, but they are now so grown and mature I would not have recognised them. Later, we drove to Saltburn via the Acklam Road cemetery, resting place for the ashes of Jane's other daughter, Michelle, remembered in the month of her birth. Jane goes each week and had laid fresh flowers in her memory. Edwin stopped at a garage to buy flowers of our own to add to hers.

Andre admires ancient engineering

I am my nosey normal

In the Saltburn Cable Car

We visited Saltburn via the old lifting bridge and transporter bridge, remnants of Middlesbrough's once bright past as a leading engineering town. Both were renown world monuments, but both are now crumbling and unworking, a sign of the decay of a leading Victorian town. Ann and I used to live in Saltburn, so I showed the boys our old house at 38 Emerald Street. The new owner saw my interest from her upstairs bedroom, the window flew open, and she called down to us, before coming down to let us in and show us what she had done in the intervening years. It was a lovely house, and we enjoyed our time there, but of course can never go back. Saltburn at least has kept its heritage and maintained its Victorian railway and cliff cable car.

More Victorian Engineering

A trip to Birmingham

A feast of ripe, sweet blackberries

It seems a while since I posted a blog, a while filled with activity, including a Sunday morning in the woods behind Clare gathering blackberries. They are so plump and prolific in the warm sun, I quickly filled a punnet from just two bushes.

Oh yes, we've also had a change in Prime Minister since I last wrote. As with Brexit, the powers that be seem intent on running another project fear. With all the gloomy news about forthcoming heating costs, we've decided to hunker down for the winter. To this end, we moved the spare bed in Ann's special room up to our bedroom for Ann to use, and I now have Ann's old bed. My old bed was Edwin's bunk bed from when he was a toddler, which I had cut down from its base and was now very old, so I have dismantled it and we took it and the spare old mattress to the tip.

We spent another two days shopping for new chairs, a table and a small television for the corner. The chairs arrived today, and with their presence the room is complete. We may be able to turn off most of the radiators in the house, just leaving the one small radiator for the central room. We never had the radiators on in the bedroom anyway, just extra blankets as needed.

On Asha's red carpet

Last week, Andre had a conference in Birmingham where he was manning a stand for his company. The Automotive Electronics Systems Innovation Network Conference (the title alone suggests serious intent here) was held at The National Conference Centre in Solihull, for companies that make electronic gizmos for the motor trade: companies such as Bosch, and Siemens, and naturally Cadence was prominent among them. Modern cars rely on electronics not just for their power control and automated driving, but for the new electronic cockpits that have replaced traditional dials and knobs. In the words of their blurb, "Cars are becoming computers on wheels with more processing power than the average personal computer", and Cadence are at the forefront of bespoke chip design and programming. In consequence, he and Edwin invited us to go with them to Birmingham where we stayed in the Rotunda. Edwin took Ann round their favourite haunts while I relaxed over a Terry Pratchett book. The first night, Andre treated us to a meal in Birmingham's most celebrated Indian restaurant, Asha's. They even have a roped off red carpet area for their visiting celebrities, so naturally we stood there and got some other guest to snap us.

We enjoy cocktails in Asha's

We moved on to The Alchemist for post-prandial cocktails, then next evening we ate at a lively Cuban restaurant, with live music. One of the guests was dancing wildly to the beat, so naturally Andre, ever cheerful and outgoing, joined in. This brought the woman and her friend to our table, where we all introduced themselves before dancing lady gave me a big hug and began telling me something of her life. As I understood it, she worked by organising maintenance engineers for commercial sites that had drinking water available; her friend apparently was "an influencer", with some promotional blog. I guess she must have a few more readers than I get for my blog - I could never sell anything with my writing. That was the second unexpected hug I had that day. Earlier, while waiting outside Selfridges for Ann, a lady had come up to me saying, "Dr Marr - I was your receptionist at Clare". She had left some years ago, and now worked in the shopping centre in Birmingham Bullring. Before moving on, she threw her arm round me and said how lovely to meet again. I didn't remember her specifically, but I enjoyed the hug. Women can still get away with this, but as a man I am very reluctant to hug any strange female these days.

On the way home, we stopped at Huntingdon for Edwin to collect his new car. He had already sold his old one on WeBuyAnyCar and had used the money to pay for the new one, so the transition was quite swift. A couple of days later, I had an urgent call from Edwin to rescue him from a garden centre. He and Andre had bought a large parasol for their patio table, too big to fit in Edwin's new little Polo. We lowered the rear seats and slid it into my car where it still overhung the front seat. They also had a dozen large boulders to weigh it down. Edwin refused point blank to take a single one of them in his car; he never allows even food or a takeaway meal to travel in it, so they too had to be loaded into my car, filling the front footwell and surrounding poor Byron in the boot. The car drove like a pig with the added weight, struggling on hills and grossly over-steering on bends, but eventually I got to Bury. The boys unloaded and Edwin brought out his portable vacuum cleaner to tidy the mess from the dirty rocks. Today, I even received a bottle of whisky as a thank you.

We survive a kitchen fire

With just two of us at home now, we often use only half a pan of food, freezing the rest to make a ready meal another day. On Monday, Ann chose to reheat some frozen stir fry she had made a week or two previously, and thought to add some noodles for extra filling. She put the noodles in the microwave,  but forgot to add any water and they burst into flames. Ann pulled them out, and dropped them in the black rubbish sack, where they continued to burn. Next moment, I heard a voice down the hall, "John, there's a fire!" I came out to find Ann standing in the hall, black sack in hand with a melted hole either side, with old food coming out, and pouring smoke. I grabbed the sack and took it into the yard where, ban or not, I turned the hose on it but it took some time to dampen down before I felt it safe enough to drop in the bin, still steaming from the heat. We opened the windows and turned the extractor fan on, but it took two days before the smell began to disappear from the rooms.

On Tuesday we went to Bury. A while back, I had seen the optician who made an appointment for my cataract to be done in Thetford. Unfortunately he sent it to WSH in Bury for processing, but they had contacted me to say they couldn't forward it, and it would need to be resent. Because my new injections can cause serious eye problems, the dermatologists have refered me to the WSH for an ophthalmic assessment, so it made sense to also transfer the cataract booking back to WSH. The trip to Vision Express went smoothly and they quickly agreed to resend the letter. I then went to the art shop to buy some supplies, but nearly ended up with a haircut. The shop had been sold and turned into a barber's since I last went; they have moved their entire stock next door to the framing shop.

We let Edwin know we were in town, so he and Andre walked across to meet us, initially for a drink but it turned into a full meal at a smart new restaurant called the Gastrono-Me. Edwin is thinking of updating his car, so pulled Ann in as his car-buddy to go to Huntingdon with him today to test drive it.

 STOP PRESS: He and Ann returned with a new car to collect. It is a demo car, but won't be available until garage receive their new demo car, so we will try to collect it next week on the way back from Birmingham.

Ann in the wars - again

Ann injured again

What started as a week of hope for me with my new injections for the dermatitis turned into a week of pain for Ann, when she tripped over in the kitchen and fell full-length onto her nose. The quantity of blood was like a slaughterhouse, with puddles running down the hall and up the walls. I settled Ann as best we could on a chair, with copious tissues to catch the bloody downpour, and texted MA then Edwin who said "We're coming over!"

We stemmed the blood flow from the nose eventually, though a nasty cut over the nose continued to bleed for some time. Ann took some sips of water, and I mopped up much of the blood and washed down the walls. When the boys arrived, we managed to half-carry Ann onto the settee with a pile of cushions propping her up. We dressed the cut, though it was some time in stopping bleeding, mainly because of the anticoagulants and the rapid swelling of the nose, the pain from which prevented more than a light dressing. We gave her a sweet cup of tea and a brandy - the first alcohol she has taken since going onto her new tablets over three weeks ago - and co-codamol to ease the pain. The nose is terribly swollen, yet squashed, and already the signs are appearing for two real shiners. I eventually took Ann up to bed, leaving the boys to finish clearing the mess. She did not sleep well, partly from the pain but also because of a urine infection she's developed, with blood in the urine, for which she's taking antibiotics. 

The dreaded rash on my arms

Altogether, Ann is having a succession of bad weeks although there have been some good spots. The first injections for my skin arrived by courier for storage in the fridge. They are extremely expensive and only prescribed as a last resort, so if they don't work there is nothing else. I had to self-administer two the first time, and one every fortnight thereafter, but they are easy to use. The syringe is pressed against my abdomen, I press the trigger, and a yellow flag slowly covers a window as the viscous fluid flows in. That was on Tuesday, but sadly no benefit yet, although I may be a little impatient. 

Yesterday we met Rae and Malcolm and Robin and Yvonne for lunch at the Cock, a newly opened restaurant in Clare. At the end of the month, we have two nights booked to visit Birmingham, which we always enjoy. Hopefully Ann's good looks will be restored by then, and she will not look like the loser in a prize boxing match.

 

Catchup time

 Autumn has come early to Hundon foretelling a long harsh winter,. Already, in early August, blackberries hang heavy on the brambles, darkest black and thick with juice, not sour or acidic but sugary sweet in the hot prolonged sunshine. Underfoot crunch the fallen leaves,  deep gold and brown and crisp as burn toast. The trees still wear a green mantle, but look closely and the edges of the leaves are turning yellow. The ground is hard as concrete, fizzured and dry beneath the tawny grass. This long, dry summer and the early autumnal changes presage a cruel winter, forecast to be harsher by a looming fuel shortage and massivley increasing bills. 

Our friends Rae and Malcolm came for coffee this week. They have recently returned from a holiday abroad, staying with two friends of theirs in France, another Ann and John. At least, it was meant to be a holiday but didn't turn out as planned. The plane from Stansted was on schedule and loaded quickly, while passage through the airport in France was smooth and swift. But the day before their arrival, Ann had fallen badly and fractured her femur, and was having to attend hospital. John was driving over to see her, but they could not go with him. Eventually she was brought back by ambulance as they could not get in the car because it wouldn't take her wheelchair. This meant that for the whole holiday, they could not leave the house, lacking a car of their own. The house lacked air-conditioning, yet the shutters were closed to keep out the sun, so the house was roasting. They could not even sit in the garden or take restful strolls due to the burning 40+C heat. To crown it all, Malcolm slipped in the shower and was badly bruised. He's just lucky he didn't break a leg as well.

Our Ann is improving slowly, but still gets breathless. She saw the cardiologist on Monday, but a young man rather than the consultant, who told her she had fluid on the diaphragm and would need a diuretic. Unfortunately, our GP refuses to give her a prescription until he hears from the hospital, but the hospital still haven't written to him, so Ann remains untreated.

Ann needs to sleep well to help heal her damaged heart, but I continue to be restless at night, getting up every hour or two to go to the toilet, or put creams on to ease the itching, or to pace the floors to relieve cramp. The dermatologist has offered me a new treatment: self-administered injections once every fortnight. They are expensive, and semi-experimental as few people have received this treatment yet, but they do give hope that things might improve. Surprisingly, Ann gets disturbed by my nocturnal wandering rather than sleeping soundly, so has opted to sleep downstairs. At least she gets some unbroken sleep now.

Tomorrow, Ann's sister Jane is coming to visit, with her son yet another John, who has always been known as Little John, as he was the youngest in the family. Their car is too unreliable for the journey, so they are hiring one. Ann has been busy all day baking cakes, making a trifle and preparing for their coming, but they will not stay the night, being determined to do the whole trip in a single day.

Ann, with sister Jane and nephew John