Matts and Rosie make dinner

Two events to recall yesterday. First, Edwin left for a weekend in Birmingham with one of his friends. He took a full hamper of booze with him (mostly vodkas) to stay in an Airbnb apartment. He has sent some videos of them making merry in a nightclub, which looks like an exciting rave and very lively. Oh for the energy of youth again! He also visited Cadbury World, which he describes as stuck in the '90s, and unchanged since he visited with us as a young boy, but they have now stopped all the tastings that used to make it interesting.

Matts and Rosie entertaining us

Second, Matthew and Rosie came for the afternoon, and made is a late lunch. As I sat watching Wales thrash the hell out of Ireland to take the Grand Slam, our two gallant visitors took over the kitchen to prepare a major three-course meal. This was a real boon, as both Ann and I have been feeling increasingly tired: me from fighting the disease, and Ann from her deep concern and all the extra work she is having to do; so to have people come round and take on a meal, and tidy everything away afterwards, was a double bonus and worth highlighting. Matthew always takes a photo record of every meal he eats, so naturally he had to snap this one: this time as a selfie to include the four of us.

Today, we were still well filled from the meal, so just bought cheeses in the local farm shop for a light snack. Also, our grandson Luke sent a long letter with some photos, a rare treat indeed and proving that the art of letter writing is not dead. I am now challenged to reply to him by letter rather than by email, but he writes much better than I.

Problems with pets and the EU.

Writing a blog is a strange experience. I meet no famous people; I am not caught up in momentous events; even the impending changes of Brexit have no direct impact. I may add a minor aside, but any deeper thoughts seem to be just a reflection of news items. The only direct consequence for me is that the Japanese work has dried up as the company retreats from the UK, and Galen have registered a new business unit in Ireland to deal with the EU, and our QPPV (qualified person in pharmacovigilance) now has to appoint a separate new person to cover Europe. Like so many people interviewed I want to scream “just get on with it!” If we just quit it could not be worse than these stifling fruitless debates, and all would rapidly sort out.

So I’ll talk instead about the dogs. We took them to the vets yesterday for their annual injections. Byron is a bit of a coward, so hid beneath the chair and had to be pulled out when he immediately jumped onto Ann's lap for protection. Bronte had not problem with the injection, but kennel cough is given by nasal drops, and she struggled like a bronco every time the vet approached her. I did not realise how much strength a dog has in its head. Two of us with three hands gripping the head could barely restrain her, but finally they were in - although the vet did need to open a second vial. Then Bronte started retching and coughing as though she had been poisoned, and managed to bring up a pool of phlegm onto the floor, for the vet to clean up.

Afterwards we visited our friends Robin and Yvonne, with a long chat about the problems of relationships. Being loving grandparents ought to be a simple and joyous time, but occasionally problems may arise in interpretation of the role. We just hope all sorts out before too long. 

Mary-Anne has now added a budgie to their menagerie. They hope to teach it to speak, so I look forward to hearing what words it acquires. Her hens have continued to lay throughout the winter, giving her a large accumulation of eggs. Ann has sent her some egg boxes, so I speculate that perhaps she will begin to make some pin money selling fresh free-range organically produced eggs.

Centre Parcs

This weekend we have come to Centre Parcs for a spell of relaxation.
I have hired a bike to get about, as I walk slowly and would delay everyone. I don't seem to get to the venues any quicker though, as I regularly get lost in the maze of roadways crisscrossing the grounds.

Two months after my radiotherapy, I had hoped to notice improvement, but I'm still waiting. Ann looked at the Macmillan cancer site, and found a few people who said it took a year for things to settle, though they too had been told they would be bad for only a month or so. Perhaps oncologists have a secret plan to tell all patients to "give it a month", to prevent despondancy decsending.

This morning I am alone, as everyone has gone to play bowls or have coffee. I had hoped to try a short bike ride, but it is only 4 degrees outside and still raining, and I am no masochist. The main thing about this venue is the peace - the cabins are set in thick woodland in Elveden Forest, and it is silent. I don't get up till late, and still enjoy an afternoon nap.

Coming home, I am still trying to get a blood result from two weeks ago to see if I am getting more anaemic. The hospital say they have sent it to the surgery, and the surgery say they haven't got it from the hospital. I keep phoning one, then the other, but nothing available yet. Telephone ping-pong is no fun, especially as the oncologist's secretary is only in on Mon and Thurs, and the GP surgery will only accept requests for results between 2-4 pm. But I keep trying.

Alone

We have just received a poem from the widow of my American cousin, who died suddenly last year from West Nile virus. It is one of the saddest and most moving we have read, getting to the heart of a loving relationship - and its ending. I reproduce it in its entirety, for all who have suffered loss and are grieving.

Alone

Alone is the saddest word
Even though we know we are separate
We disguise what we cannot deny
By loving and allying ourselves with a partner
If we’re lucky
We tell ourselves we are protected,
No longer alone, joined and safe
We happily live with this delusion
Until we can’t
When, stunned by a bulbous intruder lodged in an artery,
Our partner’s heart ceases to beat
The gurney holds just one
And when our partner slips away
Aloneness settles over us like a fog
We are exposed, defenseless
No one has our back or loans a front
Everyone else seems ballasted
We could say our companion is just travelling
Or busy in another room
But we can’t
We become anxious
We want to flee or hide
We cry at odd times, such as when someone asks,
“How are you?”
It was not supposed to end this way
The final curtain call was a future event
No one would be left alone
What happens when everything changes?
First, there are no tears
Numb, you move and talk by rote
You do not allow yourself to fall apart
You exist in a parallel universe
With your best friend forever gone you write an obituary
Though the person who knows you best
Will never write one for you
You accept that you will die alone
You become a seeker
You ask, “What is the point of being alive?”
You make a list
Your love your family
You like politics, reading, thinking
You find your friends stimulating
You are warmed by the kindness of people
All solid reasons
None convince you
You fear you have lost the will to live
You rant at the random hurt of the world
Still, you get up in the morning
You do this day after day
You do this though the clothes you’re wearing
Are the same clothes you wore yesterday
You feed your dog and look in her eyes
Grateful to be welcomed
You get up because that is what
Your body has been trained to do
You get up because the life force
Pushes you to persist, even when it’s clear
That the point is that there is no point
Yet you decide to keep looking
For reasons to stay engaged
You tell yourself your missing partner
Would want you to do that
But you do not delude yourself
You are tired of deluding yourself
You feel sure that for the foreseeable future
The point of it all has been lost

Betsy Marston

Work continues but in new directions

There is now a hiatus in my work as the immediate work has been moved to Japan.They haven't dismissed me, but are keeping me "available" in case they suddenly need to move ahead. Unfortunately, I am one of the modern brigade on zero-hours contracts, so our income has suddenly diminished; but fortunately this gives me time to do some of the jobs about the house that have been waiting. Some have been waiting for some time.

Last week I repainted the saloon that is Edwin's office, and the downstairs toilet. Now I have the back door to paint. There is certainly never any shortage of this type of work.

Our toilet seat cover had developed an alarming split, after I used it as a seat to pull on my socks. Yesterday we duly went to the local B-and-Q to spend an hour looking for a new one. Most of the time there seemed to be discussing which of us could remember correctly what shape and size it was. We wandered up and down in the company of another woman on an identical hunt, who phoned her partner to ask, but was still non the wiser. Eventually we wandered down together to pay for them, so the woman on the till could tell us both they couldn't change them if they'd been opened. I guess a number of people coming in for toilet seats must be in the same uncomfortable position. At least the manufacturers try to be helpful: their instructions include: "Choice of bottom fixing."

An email in my inbox this morning offered to "Free up your flow." It was unclear if this was cash flow, or if the junk mailers had somehow learnt of my urinary problems. Either way, being spam, I deleted it without daring to look too closely.

Visit to Luxembourg

March 1st, the first day of spring, and I am awoken by a shrill alarm at 3 a.m. to catch an 8 a.m. flight to Luxembourg. Edwin likes to be early for these things, so we arrived at Terminal 3 by 5 a.m. for breakfast. We used the Cathay Pacific lounge rather than the BA lounge as not many people know they can, so it is underused. Edwin had a soup and freshly prepared dim sum. Landing in Luxembourg, we were greeted with a tannoy announcement asking for me to go to baggage handling as they had last my bag, having failed to load it at Heathrow. They promised to put it on the next flight out and deliver it to our hotel.

Colin and Ann at Roodt sur Syre station

We took a taxi to Colin and Ann, but their road was closed by a digger laying concrete blocks, so the taxi dropped us at the foot of the hill. Naturally, Colin and Ann live at the very top of the hill, leaving me breathless by the time we got there, but I was glad then I wasn't lugging a case with me. I have known Colin for nearly 60 years, and was best man at their wedding. Alas, he is now very bad with Alzheimer's and does not know me. I could see the light of possible recognition circling in his eyes with the thought that he ought to know me, if only he could grasp the name - but it never came to him. He is as tall and slim as ever, and looks to a casual eye as astute as ever, but he has a carer in to wash and dress him each morning and can speak but a few mumbled incoherent words. Beside him, Ann who was always tiny looks diminished and tired. She is unable to leave the house without him for more than a short while, for he has a tendency to wander and look for her.  He was also Edwin's godfather, but of course had only a total blank look for Edwin who is now 6'3" of solid bearded muscle and sophistication.

We took them for lunch at an old bakery, where the servers were dressed up in drag or clown's gear for the Luxembourg carnival, but the atmosphere was decidedly un-carnival sitting beside the silent shell of Colin, who once could recite reams of Housman or sing any of a thousand songs from pure memory, holding us in raptures with his classical guitar accompaniments. Ann still drives, and took us to the station to say farewell.

At the hotel, we ate early and I was so tired a fell asleep fully clothed, to be woken by a banging on the door. They had my case, returned by BA, and brought it up to the room. Edwin unfortunately, beside being unrecognised by his godfather, had further bad news: he did not win his election for faculty rep. It was won by some unknown woman who hadn't even put up any posters!

Anniversary dinner

Today is the anniversary of our wedding. Twenty six days since the day snow covered the car to give us a white wedding. We tied ribbons to the car, to give some semblance of a traditional event, but Peter, my brother who was driving us, started the windscreen wipers to clear the snow. They caught the ribbons and blew them off so they fluttered like pennants.

Today is still and warm as an early day in summer. The carpets of snow drops are the finest for years, and still all out, with wild daffodils blooming among the briers, and by the riverbank a solitary flawless crocus was catching the sun.

Wild winter crocus in Clare Wood

We had thought of a celebratory meal out tonight, but decided instead to have romantic fish and chips, and chip butties for Ann with mushy peas. For entertainment, we watched a new video, First Man. Though a bit short on technical detail, it gave good emphasis to Armstrong's character though it did somewhat neglect all the other characters, but I suppose that was only fair in view of its title.